Wednesday, November 3, 2010

30 Days of Truth- Day 6 and 7

Something you hope you never have to do (Day 6)

I can't even put this into words. I don't want to put it into words. All I can think of is this post by The Real Life of a Redhead.

Someone who makes your life worth living (Day 7)

Lily marched around the cafeteria in her bumblebee costume- stinger and all. I stayed on the sidelines and cheered her on. She waved as she passed by with a huge smile on her face. She felt like such a big kid lining up with the kindergartners to put on a special costume parade. Her face was lit up- her hair was a crazy mess from the static of the costume and her enthusiastic jumping for joy, for pure fun and her little feet couldn't stay still.

Earlier in the evening some of the children had discovered the stairway that led up to the stage. They ran up front and center dancing and showing off, playing games and chasing. Lily hung back not sure if she should or even wanted to participate, letting Kendra and her kindergarten friends run wild instead.

"Mom, what those kids are doing doesn't look very safe," she explained. Maybe explaining away her fear. Maybe saying what I might have said in a moment anyway.

"Hmmm," I said. "You're right Lily. It doesn't look very safe. You can stay here if you want to." Though I could sense that there was a piece of her that wasn't quite sure.

As the parade of children rounded the last corner of the cafeteria I assumed the parade would end there in front. Instead, the teacher leading the parade led them right up the stairway and onto the stage. I was sure Lily would have a meltdown. I was sure she wouldn't know what to do or the steep stairway with no railing would be too scary. I positioned myself accordingly as she approached. I was close in, ready to jump in and save the day as needed. Except then she looked at me with her bright blue eyes and marched up the steps with no hesitation. She turned around once she got to the top and waved a huge wave while her face was stuck in a permanent grin.

I waved back, just as enthusiastically. My heart swelled as I let her excitement and sense of adventure fill me too. My girl. My big girl growing up.

I read something recently about the process of letting our children go. Before birth they literally are one with a mother's body but from the moment they are born they are a forever separated part of our souls- and every moment after that is a process of letting it go. Lily has always been this kind of inseparable part of me. When she was little she relied on me for everything. Every part of her has been dependent on my care- of my being there. But then something changed- small things that seemed almost insignificant in some ways at the time. She learn to feed herself, go potty, dress herself...then on this particular day it hit home. She faced and mastered her own fear. Made an independent decision and took on a challenge. I realized from here on all I can do is cheer her on from the sidelines. All I can do is be excited at what ever she is excited about and hope for the best. Everything else is going to be up to her.

I am up for the challenge. That girl makes my life worth living everyday.