Monday, November 15, 2010

30 days of Truth: Day 10

Some one you need to let go or wish you didn't know.

Well, I don't know if it is cheating to keep changing or skipping the question...but I think I posted before that after reading this list a little more thoroughly- some of the questions may be encouraging "truthfulness" but I feel aren't particularly productive in any sense of the word. This post is now titled:

Something you need to let go of...

Lately I have been struggling with the "Stay At Home Mom" issue. With Kindergarten on my mind...I've been thinking a lot about how we will navigate the "school" years with Lily. There is a huge part of me that wants to stay home- and only work part time during school hours- and be there for Lily after school for homework and after school activities. I always wanted to be a SAHM. When I had Lily I didn't have to work the whole first year of her life and I knew it was what I wanted to do. Of course the situation changed and I went to back to work part time- then more changes and I've been full time for the last three and a half years. But there is this lingering nagging regret, nagging doubt that just keeps bugging me. I constantly go over and over in my head all the options- weighing costs, pros and cons....all of it. How can I make it work next year so I get what I want but can still pay the bills?

Well, here's the deal. The other deal. Going back to part time is a step backward work wise. If we ever want to buy a house...save...go on vacation...get a new car...it just won't work. Money would be tight all the time. And then going back to work full time eventually I'd have to start over- bottom of the totem pole, right? I don't care about being rich or anything even close- but it would be nice to be comfortable- to not have to worry all the time. If I just keep working being comfortable is a real possibility- especially after Lily's daycare costs go down next year. I would be able to save...maybe get a van instead of my crappy ole car (OMG! Did I just say that?). Who knows...

At this point though it is all just thinking and worrying and doubting and more thinking and worrying. There isn't anything I can or need to do right now. There are at least nine more months before I really even need to make any kind of decision. I have to wait and see.

So for now I have to let it go, focus on today and see what happens.

And quit worrying.