My latest project

My first finished "Torn Paper Painting." I've been working on this for the last several weeks and am glad to finally have it finished. I used an 18x24 inch canvas and found a picture that I liked. Then I sketched the outline before starting to paint.

I used acrylic paints to create an underpainting before applying the torn paper.

The technique for the torn paper is pretty simple. I used paper I had on hand that had similar coloring, then I painted over the entire surface of the paper using the colors I used on the underpainting. After drying I tore them depending on the look I was going for. I did a lot of uniform type pieces for the sky but for the water I tore a lot of them in long strips to mimic the waves in the water.

I applied the torn paper with Modge Podge and a paintbrush (and tweezers for the really small stuff). The splashing water was by far the hardest part. I am overall very happy with this piece and I've learned a lot for the next time I take on a project like this. I created this piece to go on the wall of my work office in memory of my coworker who recently passed away.

When you can't sleep...

The moon will keep you safe. The moon will stay awake for you. (From a long gone children's board book of Lily's)

For some reason those words have always resonated with me though it isn't the dark or the eerie night quiet that keeps my eyes open.

The din of a million thoughts each vying for space and attention finds me at night. In the stillness of the night my thoughts become crashing cymbals- one after the other- waves on the shore. The next thought forms before the last completes on an endless loop.

I may be lulled to sleep eventually but for now I blog. I blog because I don't know what else to do but throw my thoughts out to the universe and hope to find peace. Hope to find a moment of peace that allows my eyes to close and forget.

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Logic. Logic brings order to seeming chaos. Logic finds the words in the scramble the numbers in the puzzle.

Yet I can't logically wrap my head around gone-ness (if that is a word). Of being here one moment and not the next. Of taking a breath and not taking another. Of life and death.

And what is more confounding is that the world doesn't stop or hesitate or even pause a breath for that first moment of goneness.

It doesn't make sense- logically- even though I know it is so.


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There are a certain number of so called stages to grief. It makes sense to go through phases after the passing of a loved one, family member....or friend. I seem to have had some part in many of those but it still hurts and I can't seem to grasp the whole thing. And yet I also have to keep moving through the day to day. What stage is that? The one where you hurt and hurt but have the knowledge that this earth holds no answers.

That one. Just let me get through.



Photo by Lori (Estep) Willson

Rest in Peace Lori- I know you are really flying with the Angels now.

We went for a drive.

We're kid-free for a few days so we decided to take a daytrip over the mountains. It was 90 degrees. I got a sunburn. It was awesome!!!!

We drove all the way to Vantage and enjoyed the beautiful views and landscape and of course the summer heat. We "hiked" a bit at the Petrified Forest too. I haven't been over the mountains in a long time and had no idea how many of the "windmills" had been put up. I know some people think they are an eyesore- but I think they are amazing in their own sort of way.

I'm so thankful Martin and I got to spend this time together- just the two of us.

Once again...life goes on.

So much has been going on...this is the story of my life though. It always seems to be pretty crazy no matter what the intention is. I've struggled lately to put much of it down in print. Emotionally I have been struggling with some major stuff- my boss unexpectedly passed away on the 16th, Lily's anxiety (as yet undiagnosed) is out of control, I turned 30, and next week I am going back to work part time. I'm dealing in my own way- struggling some- just taking one day- one minute- at a time.

Amid all of this we were busy...

Lily sang with her class in the talent show

Kendra danced for the Talent Show

Kendra's class science project on Bean Sprouts

Field Day Tug-o-war

Field day Parachute play

Lily Graduated from Kindergarten

Kendra Graduated first grade

First summer craft project- Tie Dye Shirts

Floyd helped with the summer homework

 Hoping the rest of the summer will be crazy just because we're having so much fun...

And Life Goes On...

First swim of the season for the girls

Well, I survived my surgery (if you were wondering why I completely dropped off the face of the blogging world). Unfortunately, practically nothing goes as planned in my life (or anyone else's???) so my recovery process has been much more arduous than originally anticipated.

Although the cholesteatoma is gone, and I have a revised mastoid, a rebuilt eardrum and a partially rebuilt hearing bone- I have only limited use of my left arm. A neck positioning error during my surgery compressed some of the nerves going from my neck to my shoulder and arm. The official diagnosis being Brachial Plexitis or Brachial Neuropathy. A fairly rare injury in itself according to my physical therapist, also a fairly rare presentation of the effects of the compressed nerve- severe scapular winging which goes with nerve pain from shoulder to fingers.

So I'm home- still- since pretty much May 18th- and I'll be home at least until the end of June because nerves heal slowly. Painfully slowly. I've been avoiding posting anything here because typing just isn't that comfortable. Though I've managed to find a decent position this morning in the recliner with pillows in the quiet while everyone else sleeps.

My worst case scenario was not making it out of surgery (crisis averted there), but I just assumed if I survived that I'd be back up and around for the most part within a week-ish. So I planned accordingly not dreaming for a minute I wouldn't be able to work for more than a month. Not considering that I would be dealing with 4 doctors, more prescriptions than I can count, Short Term Disability and all the lovely paperwork that goes with that. But here I am and so it is.

Of course I am looking for a silver lining here...I get to spend a little more time with the girls as the school year winds down. I have some time to think and plan and I know this too shall pass. Life keeps on keeping on. There are still dinners to cook and chores to do, school functions to attend and believe it or not I'm still turning 30 next week.

One of these days I'll find the energy to post pictures of the talent show, John's birthday, Kendra's science fair and whatever else we have piled up on camera's memory card. Now I'm just going to go enjoy some quiet.

Mother's Day

We walked onto the Edmonds-Kingston ferry for a mini adventure on Sunday afternoon. It felt good to get out of bed and do something. I was able to focus on doing what we were doing instead of the amount of pain I was in. The warmth of the sun and the wind in my hair felt amazing. The sound of the waves on the beach was beyond relaxing. It was exactly what I needed. I loved watching everyone find their happiness there. Lily playing in the waves and collecting shells, Martin exploring way down the beach, me soaking up the sun. We were all exhausted by the time we got home but it was SO worth shrugging off our normal Sunday chores. That morning I was also lucky enough to get beautiful flowers, breakfast in bed, a lovely new teapot with some special tea and lots of cards and artwork made by the girls. I was truly spoiled this Mother's Day- for which I am so grateful.  

The Longest Two Weeks EVER

On April 30th I got bad news. The ear infections and burst eardrum turned out to be the least of my issues. I actually have a large Cholesteatoma in my middle ear. It is a non-cancerous cyst that has been growing in my ear for at least several years. Unfortunately, it has already destroyed two "hearing bones" and my sense of taste on the right side. The upside being that it hasn't eaten a hole through my skull and gotten into my brain or paralysed my face. The down side? 1) I am in a lot of pain and 2) I need surgery- very soon.

I've scheduled the surgery for next Friday. As of yesterday I can take no pain medication until the surgery so there won't be interference with the anesthesia. These last two weeks have been the longest EVER. The waiting and waiting- and the knowing. I have a hard time thinking about much else- especially now without any pain medication. I'm holding on by a thread sometimes. I've been keeping myself busy organizing schedules, writing my will and health directive and just overall getting things in place. It helps me feel more in control when I can keep myself busy. Laying in bed at night is more difficult- I find it hard to turn off my thoughts and allow myself to relax.

I don't want to think about the worst case scenario- but in my case it would be irresponsible not to. It has been so incredibly draining...and I know this isn't even the hard part yet. I've been missing out on stuff and haven't enjoyed the nice weather nearly as much as I would like. I'm frustrated and tired and I want it all to be over with already.

I've got support from so many people though and I know they are all there to back me up. It is comforting and strengthening. I can get through it. I've gotten through lots of tough stuff, right?

Send me your happy thoughts if you could : )

Slideshow

Kendra's Birthday Party Slideshow...there were just too many fun pictures. Before you hit play...there is music FYI : )

Breaking out

Climbing trees, riding bikes, exploring new parks. Oh, I am so glad for spring! Life is good today.

Kendra's Birthday Party

Sneak Peek at Kendra's Birthday Party on Saturday! The girls had a blast and were so good! Still, Martin and I are so thankful we don't have five kids. So, so thankful. I have lots more pictures but I just haven't had time to go through them all yet.

I can't believe Kendra is seven! She is getting so grown up and independent already. We're very proud of her and all the things she has accomplished this year especially. We are so glad she is making new friends and having so much fun.

Happy 7th Birthday Kendra! We love you very much : )