On April 30th I got bad news. The ear infections and burst eardrum turned out to be the least of my issues. I actually have a large Cholesteatoma in my middle ear. It is a non-cancerous cyst that has been growing in my ear for at least several years. Unfortunately, it has already destroyed two "hearing bones" and my sense of taste on the right side. The upside being that it hasn't eaten a hole through my skull and gotten into my brain or paralysed my face. The down side? 1) I am in a lot of pain and 2) I need surgery- very soon.
I've scheduled the surgery for next Friday. As of yesterday I can take no pain medication until the surgery so there won't be interference with the anesthesia. These last two weeks have been the longest EVER. The waiting and waiting- and the knowing. I have a hard time thinking about much else- especially now without any pain medication. I'm holding on by a thread sometimes. I've been keeping myself busy organizing schedules, writing my will and health directive and just overall getting things in place. It helps me feel more in control when I can keep myself busy. Laying in bed at night is more difficult- I find it hard to turn off my thoughts and allow myself to relax.
I don't want to think about the worst case scenario- but in my case it would be irresponsible not to. It has been so incredibly draining...and I know this isn't even the hard part yet. I've been missing out on stuff and haven't enjoyed the nice weather nearly as much as I would like. I'm frustrated and tired and I want it all to be over with already.
I've got support from so many people though and I know they are all there to back me up. It is comforting and strengthening. I can get through it. I've gotten through lots of tough stuff, right?
Send me your happy thoughts if you could : )