Tuesday, July 10, 2012

When you can't sleep...

The moon will keep you safe. The moon will stay awake for you. (From a long gone children's board book of Lily's)

For some reason those words have always resonated with me though it isn't the dark or the eerie night quiet that keeps my eyes open.

The din of a million thoughts each vying for space and attention finds me at night. In the stillness of the night my thoughts become crashing cymbals- one after the other- waves on the shore. The next thought forms before the last completes on an endless loop.

I may be lulled to sleep eventually but for now I blog. I blog because I don't know what else to do but throw my thoughts out to the universe and hope to find peace. Hope to find a moment of peace that allows my eyes to close and forget.

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Logic. Logic brings order to seeming chaos. Logic finds the words in the scramble the numbers in the puzzle.

Yet I can't logically wrap my head around gone-ness (if that is a word). Of being here one moment and not the next. Of taking a breath and not taking another. Of life and death.

And what is more confounding is that the world doesn't stop or hesitate or even pause a breath for that first moment of goneness.

It doesn't make sense- logically- even though I know it is so.


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There are a certain number of so called stages to grief. It makes sense to go through phases after the passing of a loved one, family member....or friend. I seem to have had some part in many of those but it still hurts and I can't seem to grasp the whole thing. And yet I also have to keep moving through the day to day. What stage is that? The one where you hurt and hurt but have the knowledge that this earth holds no answers.

That one. Just let me get through.


Photo by Lori (Estep) Willson


Rest in Peace Lori- I know you are really flying with the Angels now.