I often struggle with the idea of God and how "personified" "he" actually is. I think I believe more in a kind of life spirit than an actual sentient kind of God. But honestly there is no particular semi-belief/idea I have that I see as complete truth. I have ideas but I don't know know. Around Christmas time I always go through my thoughts about Christianity again and what it means to me- even though I am not a practicing Christian I still grew up that way and do feel it has shaped me at least to a point. I know this is a bit round-about and I'm sure it is not exactly what my mom wants to hear- but when I think about a "plan" for my life I just can't even begin to guess what that might be. Even if I did believe in the same God as my Mom I don't think I could be that presumptuous to think I knew what "he" had in mind for me or my future.
So here is what I think- and I can't exactly attribute it to God-but am not ruling out the possibility. I think everything happens for a reason- this or that person comes into my life because it fulfills something somewhere for someone and they may or may not leave when that purpose is filled. Some people come and are meant to stay and others are meant to pass through. However it happens we affect each other in some way- big or small- and I guess I don't think it all happens by chance. Though I am not sure of the force behind it. I think the instance that best exemplifies this idea is about Lily.
I worked in childcare for quite some time (7 or 8 years?) I took care of a roomful of toddlers EVERY DAY. I think I was pretty good at my job. I had a lot of fun and was able to teach (and hopefully influence positively) many children. There are probably several hundred children I had a hand in "growing." I am proud of that and that experience- so when I found out I was going to be a mom- I really felt like I was prepared for the challenges of caring for a baby/toddler/child. (Don't ask me how prepared I feel for the teenage years though.)
Then came Lily. She has been a challenge from day one- though always the love of my life. Let it be known that I had (have) a very high needs type of child. At one point when she was 2 1/2 or even 3 I was particularly frustrated with her and her behavior- and my ability to deal with it. But...that was the age group that I had worked with the most through my time in childcare. I felt I should be exceptionally good at dealing with her at that age- but I wasn't. I was frustrated and alone and lost my patience frequently. One day at the daycare I was venting a bit to her teacher about this particular frustration. Why on earth could I handle a room FULL of toddlers but couldn't get my own toddler under control? Her teacher's response, "Maybe Lily was given to you for a reason. Maybe God wouldn't give you more than you could handle."
Maybe Lily needed someone like me for her mom because anyone else just wouldn't be able to do the same job. Maybe I am uniquely qualified to be Lily's mom. Maybe that is one of my purposes on earth- maybe Lily, because she is my daughter, is going to grow up and do something important, affect someone else in an important way. I really have no idea, but the more I think about it the more connected it all becomes.
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