Monday, October 25, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This has been harder to post than I though it would be...I've been avoiding it for a few days now.

It isn't too hard for me to admit my past mistakes- because boy have I made some big ones, but there are certain ones that haunt me. Certain actions that I haven't been able let go of for whatever reason. Maybe because it is too late and I will never be able to be forgiven by the person I have wronged. Maybe it is because deep down I don't feel I deserve to be forgiven. Maybe it just feels like the cross I have to bear because of the mistakes I made.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing. Forgiving myself almost feels like I am giving myself a pass. Like what I did wasn't wrong. As long as I can say, "Oops, oh well, I was young and dumb!" then it will all be OK. If only it was that simple. Though it also seems wrong to suffer for years for mistakes that really were just young and dumb moments. Dang it..why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why did I let that happen? What on earth was I thinking? Cringing all the way through. God- was that really me? Was I that self centered and I didn't even know it?  How could I not have known?

How can I forgive myself for going through the self centered stage every young person goes through? I can't change it. I suppose at least I am wise enough now to realize that I was wrong. That I was selfish. That I hurt people and that I am sorry.