Fragmented

I've sat down to write a post I don't know how many times since last week.

Everything I try to put down feels disjointed and fragmented. There are so many pieces at work...explaining one without the other doesn't make sense. Explaining everything is too much.

So lately it has been easier avoid this space, to only think about what I have to think about to get through the day, to not try to explain....but also to not create some kind of imaginary life that we're living. I've got much to be thankful for but also struggle to wade through the hard stuff as much as the next person.

So for now I'm a bit MIA...just hoping to feel up to regular posting sometime soon- definitely before school starts.

Vacation

Wow! What a vacation. I think we packed in just about as much as humanly possible. We started off busing it to Lake Washington to watch the Blue Angels on the 6th then went camping for 4 days, then came home, went to Martin's brother Mike's wedding and then dropped Lily off for the week with Gramma Deb and Grampa Bruce.

I can't believe it is over already...now what the heck do I have to look forward to??? Oh yeah, another Long Beach trip (maybe?) then...KINDERGARTEN and LILY'S 6th BIRTHDAY....Ok. I guess I have a lot to look forward to but having the week off work sure was nice. It makes me really really want to win the lottery- or something- and be able to stay home!!!! But for now we'll just have to take vacations when we get them. Anyway....here are some photos of our recent adventures. I've just been GOING so much I barely have the energy to do the POSTING. Sorry.

Kendra being brave up at the Ice Caves

Popcorn over the camp stove- didn't work out too well.

Hanging out by the campfire

It wouldn't be a vacation without a family photo.

The View upriver (Sauk River)

Digging to China

After camping we were all exhausted and a little cranky. Now we are getting some time to relax...going back to work! Ha.

Lily- I can't wait to show you more pictures and all the videos when you get back this weekend! Love you!!! Miss you too xoxo

Not again!

Last night Lily's other bottom front tooth was so loose I was worried she would swallow or choke on it in her sleep. .(Is that wierd?) I also told her that if she lost it in the middle of the night there wouldn't be enough time for the tooth fairy to find out so she'd have to put it under her pillow the next night. Anyway. This morning it was literally dangling by a thread in her mouth. I somehow (no idea how) convinced her to give it a little tug. She was terrified but it just popped out- no pain, no blood. She started laughing. Right on kid! Now she can say she pulled out her own tooth. HARDCORE! Hahahaha. Two down, how many more to go????

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Lily: Mom, which leg did I break? Was it this one named Bert?

What kid names her legs? Oh, and her knee is named Ed.

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(After I gave Lily a penny to throw in a wishing pond at a farm/fruit stand)

Lily: I am already getting my wish.

Mommy: What did you wish for?

Lily: To get away from that poop smell!

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Lily told me her dream was to be Hannah Montana (ack!). I told her she could be what she wanted to be but it might not be easy- and being someone like Hannah Montana would be a lot of hard work. I also made the point that Hannah Montana was just a character in a show.

Lily: I know, I know, Mom! She's just an actor!

Well, apparently I've sufficiently driven that point home.

 

Letting it all out.

Saturday, after a long day of fun and adventures, it all just came bubbling up and over. All the fear, sadness and confusion an almost 6 year old can possibly hold in- finally became too much and she let it all out.

I had no idea. That scares me. I had no idea she had so much she was worrying about and thinking about everyday. We spend so much time together. Yet I didn't know.

I didn't know she's frustrated that the boys won't play with her and they don't think she's strong even though she has muscles.

I didn't know she missed our old apartment. Though I did know she missed sleeping with me.

I didn't know how much she still felt the loss of Molly, Hailey and Denae from her old preschool.

I didn't know she was so scared about not knowing anyone in her Kindergarten class.

I didn't know she was so sad that I don't really play with her much any more.

I didn't know how frustrated she was with her summer class and the disproportionate ratio of boys to girls (way too many boys!)

I didn't know she was still missing Caroline who moved away.

I didn't know how deeply she continues to feel the loss of her dad in her life.

What I DO know..now? My little girl has a lot more going on in her head than I gave her credit for. I let her cry on me and I hope it helps. I know how it feels to hold all of that in and the relief that comes after letting it out.

I see so much of myself in her it's almost painful.

Say hello to my little friend.

Well, it really isn't so little and I'd call it a love-hate relationship rather than a friendship..but well here goes:

I bought an elliptical. Now I can exercise at home instead of going to the gym after work. So far I like it, well as much one can LIKE exercising and getting all sweaty and yucky. It is really quiet so it shouldn't bother the neighbors. It's also a "space-saver" so the foot bars fold up and the wheel folds in and it doesn't take up as much space. Still, it is a monstrosity in our living room that isn't exactly pretty to look at. I hope this helps me stay on track with all of the work I put into physical therapy after the car accident.

Another bonus feature? Martin wants to use it too. Maybe we can motivate each other???? We thought his head would hit the ceiling because he is so tall- but lucky for him (ha!) he can stand on it just fine. We'll be workout buddies LOL.

So this is my/our latest adventure. I spent more than I initially wanted to but in the long run it will be good for all of us. I just keep reminding myself that it is for my health and in the end a small price to pay to stay healthy and active.

Next up?? The foods we eat! I am going to work on creating a healthier dinner menu that is still affordable. Wish me luck because the prices on groceries make me want to throw a tantrum right there in the middle of the store.