Saturday, March 10, 2012

Dusting off this shelf

I can't believe it is weeks since I posted. The truth is we've had so much going on day to day there hasn't been any way for me to fit it all in. But that's not the whole truth. More than just the day to day, I've struggled to put into words how I feel about all that is happening with me, around me etc. I lay in bed at night putting thoughts together- attempting some sort of coherency. Trying to tell our story without telling the WHOLE story. There's been a rocky under current through these last weeks that makes posting about the things we're doing even tougher.

I haven't been patient enough with the girls. I feel anger bubbling too close beneath the surface when they bicker between themselves for the umpteenth time in a day. Part of me says this is how "sisters" act- completely normal behavior- the other part of me will do anything the put an end to it. Anything to put a stop to the tattling, whining, bad attitude, fit throwing cacophony that is our home.

My younger brother John and I used to play together. Despite a 3 year age difference we quite often found something to do that entertained us both. One of my favorite memories is the "Betro World we made out if Legos. It started with a lego bus/vehicle of some sort which turned into a fleet. To us it was like the metro bus fleet only a bunch of the legos had the letter "B" printed on them so we called it the Betro. We took pictures of everything we made and were very proud of what we had built and done together.

We fought too. I remember being so pissed at him for something when we were teenagers that I slapped him right across the back. I can still feel the burn and shame of that slap on my palm. I hated myself for doing. I'm not sure I ever apologized. To this day I hate that I resorted to hitting him even when I clearly knew better.

I know having both girls here with us will teach them a lot and hopefully keep them close as they grow. I want them to treat each other as sisters and nothing short of that. I hate hearing them fight. I see each of them feed off of the other's weakness for their own gain. It hurts and angers me to the point that at the time I can't be a truly effective parent. I don't think I come off as a very loving or accepting parent though I feel just the opposite - so much pain when they are not loving or accepting of each other. It gets complicated and sticky.

It's this balance I keep coming back to. Finding it somewhere in the midst of it all. This complicated web of feeling and doubt, justice and pain. There has to be a balance of sisterly interaction versus politeness and empathy. A balance of interception on my part and correcting versus shaming. A balance of open arms and discipline.

I'm always walking these fine lines. I see it as some gigantic web we're all weaving, walking, and attempting to mend along the way. A balance of careful navigation on what's just ahead, what's far ahead and looking back to were we've come from and oh so much more.

I think I've gone on long enough for the evening though I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of all the thoughts shaping themselves in my head. I hope to post more about this stuff soon.

I really do have some fun stuff to share too. We've been playing and having fun too believe it or not.